In New Zealand (I do not know about other countries) at the start and end of every year there are ASTTL tests, to determine what you can and can't do. Not to decide how your year will go, but to help teachers teach you better. I digress, today it was a writing test. I am particularly proud of mine:
I break consciousness, and immediantly start thinking. 'Urgh. What happened to me last night? I was at a bar. I remember, I remember nothing. Wait, nothing much. I remember a woman. She had ginger hair? No, she was carrying ginger beer. That must have been something strong she slipped into it, I'm having trouble doing anything!'
I stand up, stagger a little bit and immediantly fall face first into what I first think is water. Before I drown myself or otherwise, I force myself to sit up. What am I trying to accomplish? Where am I? Why did this woman I so vaguely remember spike my drink? So many questions... all I'm certain of is the rain hitting the back of my head. Wait a minute, that's not rain... rain would be more spread out. This is only hitting one spot, like a stream of something... Urgh! It's all warm. Is it.. no it can't be... it's urine!?
So I stand up and turn around. Which was a wise move, since the stream of what I am beginning to suspect is urine hits me in the eye. I immediately step aside and try and find something to throw at whatever is doing me this disrespect. I manage to find a coconut, of all things. I throw it at where I think the urine is coming from, and I hear a thunk. I open my eyes and see something brown scarpering off through branches of a tree. What are these trees? Let's see... tall, ferns at the top, coconuts on them? I think they are palm trees. What are palm trees doing in central New York?
Wait a moment. I look back around at what I first thought was water when I fell into it. Yup, it's water. But it's stretching away for miles! I'm either on an island, or a beach. Or even a beach on said island. Ow my head hurts. Got to try and stop thinking. Or drinking. That works to. I look down at what I am wearing, still what I wore last night. Well, what I think I wore. What I think I thought I wore while drunk. Man I hate hangovers. Or is this the remnants of whatever that woman put in my drink? It's hard to tell. Looking over at the sun, it looks like either early morning or late evening. I'll have to wait a bit before I can tell either.
Since I have no idea what I could do, I look around for the coconut I threw at that urinating monster. Not finding it, I stride through the forest of what I am currently 90% sure are palm trees. I move my gaze around the canopy, looking for any signs of that little brown devil. Since I'm such a genious (I can use sarcasm in my thoughts? Brilliant!), letting my gaze wander means I am not looking where I am going. So, I walk into something wooden. Deciding the best course of action in this event, I fall over clutching my leg, which was what collided with this object in my path. I roll around a little bit, grunting in agony. Well, at least I learnt something new today. Walking into things can hurt. A lot.
Looking at the object which was previously unnoticed, it seems to be a sign. I doublecheck my hands, since in my current state of either being in a hangover or suffering from the lasting remnants of a drug, I have forgotten in which direction lies left, and in which lies right. After my reassurance, I look again at the sign. It's pointing right. Right, let's see what it's for. It has a picture of a... beer mug? Why on earth is there a sign pointing to a beer mug around here? It looks strangely yellow....
After staring at the sign for a few more minutes, pondering on an odd yellow beer mug, I notice there is some writing next to it. It says “Go this way to find the magical Golden Beer Mug”. Sounds stupid, why would someone make a beer mug out of gold, and I'm certain there is no such thing as magic anyway. But, since I've lost the annoyance which pissed in my face, I have no other option but to go where this sign points. Thinking about it, I realise I could try to find out where I am, but that sounds like to much effort.
So, I walk to my right. Good thing I did, because a few minutes later I come across a little brown thing sitting in a tree, with something that is an even darker brown sitting in it's hand. I dodge out of the way just in time, it flinged the small object in my direction. From what little I remember from my schooling years, which at the moment feels like half a century ago (I'm pretty sure they're actually 10 or so years ago), I'm pretty sure it's a monkey. I've never liked monkeys, they seem absolutely useless. But this one has a use, it's use is to make my life a misery by flinging poop at me. I'm guessing it was also the thing that pissed on me earlier.
I pat myself down, looking for the coconut used earlier. Damn, I lost it after I threw it the first time. No, I didn't lose it, it appears the monkey now has my coconut in his hand. I realise this to late, as the monkey throws it at me with much more force than I previously thought monkeys could use. It strikes me right in the forehead, and I'm losing consciousness. Yay, I've always loved losing consciou.....
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